Sarcastic E Cards

I wrote it for fun and to be criticized for improvement. So what is your opinion - needs a little work, or should it be completely trashed? Thank you!


I had no idea that I was a man living in a part of my life. The clerk gave me a sarcastic smile, having swiped my credit card into the slot. "Hello, Mr. Richardson." I look over my shoulder in the middle of signing my name. I saw someone who was hovering close to buying a toy Buzz Light year for his son.

"Excuse me?" I was distracted by diving bell and the articles in the alleys nearby. I looked up shyly before completing the 'n' and 'e' on my name.

"You are Brian Richardson, right?" He said this in a particular way, as if I did not know that I had come dressed as a man with a beard and if I wear a hat to cover my hair disheveled obvious.

"Kate Tulane. Why do you say that?" Shocked, I leave my palm on my face. It was smooth as I remembered before, and my hair fell well below my shoulders.

"My screen tells me otherwise. I'm sorry, but I'll have to confiscate the card and write your name. "

The credit card was out of my hand before I was given a chance to speak. The screen cleared to buy digital and I was speechless until the clerk looked penciling against my name on a scrap paper. "Tulane, you said?"

"Yes, but I do not understand. I did not card anyone. "

"You have to contact your lawyer, Ma'am. I do not say. Please get out of line, I have clients waiting. "

I was empty-handed as I got home. The door open to look forward to a child, my son, Leo. Instead, he opened for immediate disappointment. He stood on his toes to look in my bag, but it is for a face injury. He came with me when I sat at the table and the keys have clashed over the counter.

"Did you get it, Mom?" Voices of Youth squeal caught my eye and I grabbed one end making it myself.

"You may have to wait another few weeks, my dear." I soothed him by combing her hair between my fingers. I shot him on my lap as he held out. He fixed his eyes on me to listen carefully. " All great men must eat before they play. What do you say - we'll have a grilled cheese sandwich to count down the days "?

It could have potential, but there really is not enough to go here, I understand how it could be a story in the end, and it is well written. But I think I need to see or hear a more specific question about it really to offer constructive criticism.

You really do not mind harsh criticism? Honestly?

Okay ...

It is a right little confusing at first, and the first sentence I was given an expression like: O_O

It's just the way it is written, is someone was near the toy Buzz Light year?


Ah now I understand ... that was good. I read it again and ... just ignore what I said up there / \

I like your writing style. You have talent! Be sure to write more about that and I expect to see on the shelves in stores soon!

Oh, just a little thing, "I do not say" ... you missed "having" =)